Friday, March 11, 2011

changing a babby diaper

the following is a post directly from the forums at

this is a very serious topic so i'm going to be very serious with you all. i've thought long and hard about this strat and you'll do well to consider my points

first, any vet will tell you that this is not some undertaking to be taken mildly. you do not fucking embark on this journey on a whim. i will show you how this will not go:

Ramenfan1025 > hey I think I'm going to try my hand at changing a babby's diaper
Ramenfan1025 > seriously bro, how hard can it be?

and they never heard from him again. seriously, this actually happened. ask yourself- "how come that guy is like on all of 520's kms back in july/august then all of a sudden he's gone?"

really, it's fucking weird

you really don't want to end up like poor ramen, so here's a little how-to to help you survive this harrowing ordeal. i went ahead and broke it down into some easy to remember steps and handy mneumonic for you

read on to find out--

(A)sk yourself: am i fucking retarded? really. why are you thinking about changing a child's diaper? that is why god put women on the face of this planet- to wipe babby asses. i'm not even kidding. here is an exerpt from genesis 2:11-15 "and lo! god was like 'holy shit babbies make some nasty shit! i ought to make a woman who can both cook delicious sandwiches and also wipe this foul ass on the child i created. and so it came to pass." seriously, look it up

if you find yourself alone with a soiled child and there isn't a woman ANYWHERE nearby (this is an extremely unlikely event), your next course of action is to...

(W)rangle that child. i recommend a rope but a chain, steel cable, or even plastic zip-strips will do in a pinch. remember, if the child is moving, you are in for poomageddon and believe me, there are things in that diaper that can not be unseen. men have come back from such places as empty and charred husks of men

once fully restrained...

(A)rm yourself. you need the following equipment: a military grade flame thrower, an air tight vacuum sealing standard nuclear waste containment unit, a bucket of muriatic acid, some spill-magic(tm), and a standard issue diaper in the correct size for the child in question. god help you if you have one too big or too small

after you've armed yourself...

(R)emove the fasteners holding the diaper to the child. these are usually sticky snaps that somewhat resemble velcro though they can be as severe as u-locks for bicycles, carriage bolts or nautical rivets. this is a very sensitive step as any mistake you make at this point can result in the child thrashing and even restrained there is a serious risk of them flinging hazardous waste into an area it does not belong

once you're at this point, you're committed buddy...

(E)viscreate the entire area. you need to destroy any evidence of the toxic waste that might have been slathered or smeared around the child's emission nozzle. if you don't, its caustic ooze will devour the skin tissue on the child and cause even more thrashing. perhaps even tempestuous yelling and stomping. believe me, you don't want to be around for that, so do a good job

i know it takes a lot of heart, but stick with it until the job is done...

(T)oss that filthy rag in the container and run like hell. believe me, you don't want to be anywhere near that bomb when it hits atmosphere. it will melt you face while your children weep over your charred corpse

once you've handled cleaning and disposal....

(P)owder dat ass. seriously, if you don't use some kind of absorbent material such as kitty litter, spill magic or babby scented talcum powder you could have residual ooze creeping into places where it will do nothing but wreak mayhem. i knew a man once who neglected this aspect of "the change" and he was greeted at his next change by an army of raunchy scented warriors spawned in the dark crevaces of his child's ass-skin folds that hungered for brains and thirsted for blood. his family lives in a shelter for zombie victims and his child is haunted by those images probably for the rest of his life

if you've survived this far...

(W)rap that babby up. the new diaper should go on as quick as you can since the child will be bucking like a wyoming stud stallion in a corral. best case, you have about 2 seconds from lobbing your shit-grenade into the hazardous waste recepticle and letting the powder fly to when you need to have that emission nozzle contained unless you want a complete cluster fuck of shit flying all over you and everything you hold dear

at this point, you should consider yourself victorious. it's generally frowned upon to forget to untie the restrained child, so i strongly suggest that you not neglect this point

if you find yourself in a situation where you're faced with the aforementioned task, i hope you remember the mneumonic that i've taught you today: AWARETPW

awaretpw and stand strong, soldiers


  1. You are a king. I shall take your advice to heart, sir.

  2. Seriously one of the funniest things I've read on the internets.